life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
