I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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