The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
