So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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