If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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