Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
