O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
