I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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