When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
