god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
