Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
