Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
