The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
