I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
