Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
