I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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