Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
