Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
