In the future we'll all be gay
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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