I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize