That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
