I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you win again, gameday.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
