Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
