it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
