it was like his penis was on wheels.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
