Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
