I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
