Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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