you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
