Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
