do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
