So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
