You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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