I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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