Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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