AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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