I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
