Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No I am not eating basil off your cock
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
