i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
