sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
