I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
