this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize