Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
