I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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