Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
