smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I love you.
Bad choice
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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