just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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