no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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