Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
