So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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