I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
