I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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