I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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