I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize