My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's blow job season.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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