i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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