We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were destined to go to rehab together
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
