Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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