She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize