Welp...herpes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
