Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
