mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
