You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
