I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My cat gives me a boner
well you can't waste a boner
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
