Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
