I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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